There are many factors which make up a persons character, everything from genetics, upbringing, allergies as some report having adverse personality changes when eating or drinking some substances, Prescription and non-prescription drugs, hormones, and even beliefs.
In Judaism the sages teach the wisdom of a persons true character called The Personality of Blessings; the phrase Be’Kiso, Be’Koso, and u’ve’Kaso, meaning by what is in a persons pocket (what they spend money on), by their cup (how they respond to the temptation of alcoholic excesses), and by their temper (can they control themselves when provoked?). There is another level of character: “af be’shako,” by their play or how does this person use their leisure time? These are good things to find out about a potential partner while dating. Character is also deeply psychological.
For those whom tend to distrust or fear that which they desire most any long term intimate relationship is not possible. This paradox creates a sense of vulnerability and threat. The defense mechanisms of self induced anger/fear which are part of the excitement attraction are the undoing of the relationship since there will be an ever present attempts to over power and control over the other to reassure the dominance and security. There is a biological chemical evolutionary component as well.
The more sexually roused, erotic stimuli the more testosterone and male produced androgen hormones are released therefore creating a highly emotional state where the lines between anger, violence, or sex can become blurred. For some this creates an irresistible drug like rush that is indeed addictive and is the leading cause of sex addicts who crave the rush and intimacy but then realize their venerability and must either dominate or sabotage the relationship and quickly move on to another.
For example, this is one of the reasons why some less evolved males can not maintain a relationship with a woman who is intelligent, beautiful, powerful, and sensual. The irony is that it is the more insecure less evolved person will seek out a weaker partner to reassure their need for superiority. The more insecure person will do everything in their power to disempower the other and when this fails the insecure persons resort to the only weapons they have left which are emotional warfare or manipulation and passive aggression.
The afore mentioned 4 little insights (Be’Kiso, Be’Koso, u’ve’Kaso, and af be’shako) may seem simple but in the dating world they are essential. The story that follows is one such example sent in by a reader in which her boyfriend who absolutely subscribed to the Be’Kiso, Be’Koso, u’ve’Kaso, af be’shako philosophy and how he chose to show his true character. It is also believed in these insights that when a person’s anger becomes enraged they also break bonds with God as well, and to not look the person directly in the eyes. Let’s see if you can figure it out, there might just be a test at the end!
A recent reader wrote telling of her experience with dealing with her boyfriend’s extreme denial of anger which starts out fairly simply but then cascades into all 4 character aspects. He made no secret of that fact that she was the most exciting woman he had ever known. She had put quite a good bit of time, energy, and even more creativity into creating a fun and sexy little outfit ensuring a romantic evening of theirs was going to be especially romantic right down to the exact shoes she knew he found irresistible. At first he seemed very appreciative but in one swift move the turned the tables for the worst.
She states that she only weighs about 100 lbs and her boyfriend weighed very close to twice that. Obviously, without consideration on his, part he swiftly moved her onto a concrete floor for a more romantic purpose. She writes, “Before even a split second could go by my back was crushed and cracked all the way up to my ribs”. Luckily, she managed to get away quickly. However, she did indeed become upset especially since they had both addressed this exact issue before and that it was especially painful for her and not something that could be done without serious injury to her.
None of this mattered or will matter to a person who can not accept that there is some good in every aspect of character, even anger. The boyfriend never bothered to ask why she was upset. In the boyfriend’s denial he immediately rejected both her feelings and her. Breaking his own beliefs, she writes, “He stood with his third cup of scotch in hand, looked me dead in the eye and instantly renounced every feeling he ever claimed to have for me”. Despite her tears of confusion, hurt, and of being attacked he did not relent, she writes, “nothing I said or did mattered. It was like I wasn’t even there. He had no reaction to me at all”. His true character revealed. Unable to face his own anger he projected it on to her and rejected her which to him was better than him rejecting himself or admitting error.
Contrary to the next mornings agreement of mutual bad judgment his anger type is passive aggressive which drove him to cheat on her with an ex and to replace the most exciting girlfriend he ever had in his life with a new car rather then contribute to him community which were his prior goals.
Result: the replacement ex left for the same reasons as four times before. However, he still can enjoy his new car payments that will never complain about any of his short comings. As for the exhilaration of the new car; any man who gets more exhilaration out of a car than a woman is either with the wrong woman, she just isn’t trying, he needs the blue little pill, or he is a homosexual.
Here is the test:
Can you tell where and when how anger could have played out different?
What if he had asked what was wrong?
What if they had both decided to just laugh about it and relocate?
What if when he was angry with her expressed himself differently and non-aggressively staring her down?
What if there was not alcohol involved or less?What if rather than a new car he invested in helping others or getting help or even healing?
Character: it is our most important a choice because it is who we are, what we do, and how we treat, love or choose not to love others.