Recently I was enjoying a summer afternoon alone, happy in my solitude reading a book “Sexual Intimacy for Women: A Guide for Same-Sex Couples.” It was in my happiness that I learned that lesbians are far more likely than any gay or heterosexual relationship to go for years without sex. I did not stay happy nor for that matter very relaxed. I was unaware that statistically when lesbians say they have not had sex in a while with their partner they could mean years!
This is such a sad fact. Now I will be the first to admit that sex is really important to me, perhaps making me shallow in that department. I just could not imagine being with someone I love and not feeling their naked skin pressed up against mine, smelling her as we feel each others warmth.
Now of course there are some exceptions, were sexual intimacy is interrupted by physical illness or emotional difficulties. Those situations are understandable, but this statistic is not including individuals struggling with physical or emotional issues, its two healthy individuals who have stop having sex. After the first year, and all the chemistry that encourages passion and attraction stabilize, it’s common to find differences in desire level and needs, high-desire vs. low-desire individuals.
I have been judged in the past for putting too much emphasis on sex, that my expectations have been too high (what wrong with wanting sex five times a week… minimum). In my defense, while you catch your breath and stop cursing me out or praying for my girlfriend’s sanity and vagina, I am also a firm believer in compromise and other forms of intimacy.
A healthy relationship starts with good communication, and giving attention to all departments of a relationship, equally. If you think sex is not important you will need to find someone with the same belief to make the journey easier. Some of us long for a companionship that does not rely on sexual intimacy. At the end, I do not think there is a wrong or right way to be with someone, if there is open safe communication, trust, and both partners are pursuing a happy healthy relationship.
However, if you and your partner find yourselves on polar opposites of the desire scale, here are some helpful hints:
Relationship evolve and change just as we do throughout our journey in this life, no matter what choices you make with your partner you will have to reevaluate ever so often those decisions and change what is not working. The art of love is a constant movement that requires and tests our patience, understanding of yourselves and others.
There was a time I would have said that this is all too much work, and really I am all about the passion stage, having as much sex as I can handle, and that I am better off on my own. However, I am slowly learning that intimacy comes in many shapes and that with negotiation, endurance and hardship that the passion can be even more exciting after having crossed life’s obstacles with someone I love- and it’s only the beginning.
Alex Karydi – The Lesbian Guru